Anyone ever walk or bike to elementary school when they were a kid? I did. Unlike some of my other friends, I didn't take the bus, nor did I get a ride from my parents. Hiking to school was a series of adventurous and often treacherous journeys that undoubtedly played a part in molding me into the semi-well-adjusted person that I am today. It wasn’t always a safe trek to school but it usually proved to be an exciting one.
Through the course of a school week, it wasn’t entirely unusual to encounter a variety of dangerous and challenging obstacles while on one of my routine jaunts through the inner city. With a trusted group of companions, I was forced to navigate through a series of narrow alleys and compact back yards every morning and afternoon. A gauntlet of barbed-wire fences, angry dogs, drunken vagrants, snakes and a plethora of other dangers made the trip more reminiscent of escaping from a WW II interment camp than a walk to school.
I ordinarily made it to class on time and I was always out of breath. I usually had a bit of dirt on my face and, quite possibly, was bleeding from on one of my extremities. Granted, the adrenaline-induced shaking sometimes made it difficult to write and concentrate but it wasn’t as if I had a choice in the issue. Getting a ride to school wasn’t an option because my parents both worked and had to be to their respective jobs long before my school day started. Taking the bus was also out of the question because of zoning issues within the school district. Even though I was forced into the situation, I still look back on the entire ordeal as a fun and exciting part of my childhood. It was an experience that exposed me to the reality of life while simultaneously honing my street smarts.
Apparently, the people at the Department of Transportation didn’t have the same appetite for adventure and danger as kids. Effectively taking the element of fun out of walking to school, the DOT recently launched the Safe Routes to School (SRTS) Program. The goal of this $612 million campaign is to promote physical fitness among school children by encouraging them to walk or bike to school instead of taking the path most traveled (hopping on a bus or getting a ride elsewhere). A majority of the funding has been used to build sidewalks and post traffic signs to make it safer and easier for students to get to school. Money has also been allocated to organize and fund group walks with parents and children, referred to as “walking buses”.
Not surprisingly, the staunchest advocates of this program include business owners and members of the DOT “task force” who initiated the program a little over two years ago. Fred Boykin, a bicycle shop owner in Decatur, Georgia stated, “When we started the pilot project two years ago, there were three bikes, now there are 70.” Fred was referring to the bicycle rack in front of a local school. Unfortunately, Fred was not available for further comment because he was busy helping his fellow citizens by selling Schwins and Huffys to the needy rotund kids in his community. Reportedly, Fred has not let the 2,000 percent increase in his sales go to his head. Decidedly dedicated to the project, Fred elected to free up public walking space by selling his store and relocating from his one bedroom apartment in Decatur to a 110-foot yacht located off the coast of Savannah.
Now I’m all for safety and helping a few fat kids out but has anyone taken the time to really examine this situation? Doesn’t $600 million dollars seem a bit much for a few stop signs and some new crosswalks? Hasn’t it occurred to any of the intellectual commandos on the SRTS Task Force (catchy isn’t it?) that a 10-minute bike ride to school isn’t going to help a chubby kid with an affinity for XBOX 360 and Ding Dongs? I suggest we save the tax payers some hard earned money, ditch the SRTS Program and follow my more practical and economically sound approach to the situation. The following is a brief outline of my path to success for America’s youth:
Cease current spending and allocate funds for the construction of fences. Build fences in entirely random locations; the taller the fence, the better. Allowing children to navigate over such obstacles will not only build confidence, it will also burn calories.
Every resident within the affected school district will be directed to purchase a large vicious dog. There are a lot of commercial weight loss programs out there but, honestly, nothing cuts weight better than running for your life. “Feeling the burn” is more preferable than feeling the bite of “Peanut”, the 170 pound rottweiler living next door.
Remove speed limit signs from school zones. Make crossing the street an adventure again! Nothing else puts a little hustle into a young tike like trying to avoid an El Camino doing 65 mph at 8:00 AM.
Provide hooch to the homeless. Drunken homeless people are an untapped resource in our educational system today. They offer a unique perspective on the trials of life that should not be discounted or overlooked by anyone. Exposure to these exceptional individuals can mold and sculpt a young mind into a cultured and educated adult.
Refereces:
National Center for Safe Routes to School, (2007). Saferoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/
Yee, Daniel (2007). US launches school commute exercise plan . Retrieved October 26, 2007, from news.yahoo.com Web site: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071026/ap_on_he_me/fitness_school_commuters
U.S. Department of Transportation, (2007). SafeRoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/task_force/task_force_members.cfm
Friday, October 26, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Doctor Is In
Hi, there. Please, have a seat and make yourself comfortable. I’m Doctor Banter, Doctor Bob Banter, and I will be your satirical surgeon for the next seven weeks. What’s that? What kind of doctor am I you ask? Nervous are we? No reason to get wrapped around the axle, friend! I’m not a medical doctor; I won’t be asking you to drop your pants or attempting to stick you with needles (unless you’re into that sort of thing). I’m actually an eminent scholar in an often overlooked field of study. What? What field of study you ask? Perhaps these two terms will clear things up a bit:
par·o·dy (pār'ə-dē) n. A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule (parody, 2007).
sat·ire (sāt'īr') n. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity (satire, 2007).
What about my credentials you ask? Getting a little nosey now aren’t we? It appears to me that somebody has trust issues. Let’s not over-analyze anything just yet, shall we? Honestly, do credentials really matter in the grand scheme of things? There have been plenty of famous doctors throughout history that have served humanity without feeling the need to flaunt around a piece of paper validating their station in society. Take into consideration the following individuals:
Theodor Seuss Geisel- Notice there’s no fancy “PhD” or “MD” attached to the end of his name. That’s because our buddy, Theo, decided finishing up his education at Oxford was a bunch of crap. Instead “Dr. Seuss” (which he was better known by) decided to get hitched and make a living as a political cartoonist and an author of children’s books (Wikipedia, 2007). I humbly offer my mediocre submission in tribute of the late doctor:
I do not like it on the wall.
I do not like it in the hall.
I do not need it in a frame.
I do not need that college fame.
I do not need a big degree.
I do not need to pay a fee.
Those Oxford boys sure were mean.
I got kicked and beaten as a teen.
I killed them all by spiking their juice.
There is no more Geisel, only Seuss!
Andre Romell Young- Better known as “Dr. Dre”, Andre Young is a successful record producer, actor, rapper and record executive. Young was one of the founding members of the popular group “N.W.A.” and a pioneer of using explicit lyrics in rap music (Wikipedia, 2007). Lacking an official degree from a formal institution, Dr. Dre’s credentials consist of his dope rhymes and bustin’ caps on the mean streets of Compton.
Dr. Pepper- An authentic blend of 23 flavors (Wikipedia, 2007), Dr. Pepper is a soft drink truly ahead of its time. Nudged out of the number one spot for the Nobel Peace Prize by former vice president Al Gore, Dr. Pepper has taken up a new campaign in an attempt to win over the Nobel Community in 2008: Utilizing space-age technology, Dr. Pepper will attempt to add yet another flavor to its already impressive list of ingredients. Although hotly debated among members of the beverage industry, it is rumored that the new flavor will consist of orangutan urine and Yellow Dye No. 5.
Julius Winfield Erving II- Considered by many to have revolutionized the game of basketball, “Dr. J” never had time to acquire a silly degree. Why you ask? Well, I guess he was just a little too busy destroying racial barriers in the 70’s, developing one of the sickest slam dunks in recorded history, winning three championships, four MVP awards and three scoring titles, all while playing for three different teams in two separate professional basketball associations (Wikipedia, 2007). Say, what did you do last Saturday? That’s what I thought.
Now that we got that mess out of the way I can get to the heart of the issue. This is important so pay attention and take you fingers out of your mouth! My blog is about the humor we can find in everyday life if we just look close enough. People must challenge their common assumptions and misconceptions to truly understand the human condition and gain knowledge of their surroundings and each other. I personally like to take that journey with a good bag of jokes strapped to my side. Humor has the ability to make the mundane occasionally entertaining and the unbearable somewhat tolerable.
I plan on covering a lot of ground on a variety of topics. Political and socioeconomic events will be addressed in this blog; mainly because politicians are funny to begin with and the word socioeconomic makes me sound like a freaking genius. I also plan on giving my own unique insight on current events, sports and whatever else may come to mind. The underlying factor, however, is to expose truths and provide a different perspective on the madness that makes this planet spin. They say laughter is the best medicine and, in my professional opinion, I can’t help but agree.
References:
parody. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parody
satire. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. seuss. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. dre. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Dre
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. pepper. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Pepper
Wikipedia. (2007). Julius erving. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Erving
par·o·dy (pār'ə-dē) n. A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule (parody, 2007).
sat·ire (sāt'īr') n. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity (satire, 2007).
What about my credentials you ask? Getting a little nosey now aren’t we? It appears to me that somebody has trust issues. Let’s not over-analyze anything just yet, shall we? Honestly, do credentials really matter in the grand scheme of things? There have been plenty of famous doctors throughout history that have served humanity without feeling the need to flaunt around a piece of paper validating their station in society. Take into consideration the following individuals:
Theodor Seuss Geisel- Notice there’s no fancy “PhD” or “MD” attached to the end of his name. That’s because our buddy, Theo, decided finishing up his education at Oxford was a bunch of crap. Instead “Dr. Seuss” (which he was better known by) decided to get hitched and make a living as a political cartoonist and an author of children’s books (Wikipedia, 2007). I humbly offer my mediocre submission in tribute of the late doctor:
I do not like it on the wall.
I do not like it in the hall.
I do not need it in a frame.
I do not need that college fame.
I do not need a big degree.
I do not need to pay a fee.
Those Oxford boys sure were mean.
I got kicked and beaten as a teen.
I killed them all by spiking their juice.
There is no more Geisel, only Seuss!
Andre Romell Young- Better known as “Dr. Dre”, Andre Young is a successful record producer, actor, rapper and record executive. Young was one of the founding members of the popular group “N.W.A.” and a pioneer of using explicit lyrics in rap music (Wikipedia, 2007). Lacking an official degree from a formal institution, Dr. Dre’s credentials consist of his dope rhymes and bustin’ caps on the mean streets of Compton.
Dr. Pepper- An authentic blend of 23 flavors (Wikipedia, 2007), Dr. Pepper is a soft drink truly ahead of its time. Nudged out of the number one spot for the Nobel Peace Prize by former vice president Al Gore, Dr. Pepper has taken up a new campaign in an attempt to win over the Nobel Community in 2008: Utilizing space-age technology, Dr. Pepper will attempt to add yet another flavor to its already impressive list of ingredients. Although hotly debated among members of the beverage industry, it is rumored that the new flavor will consist of orangutan urine and Yellow Dye No. 5.
Julius Winfield Erving II- Considered by many to have revolutionized the game of basketball, “Dr. J” never had time to acquire a silly degree. Why you ask? Well, I guess he was just a little too busy destroying racial barriers in the 70’s, developing one of the sickest slam dunks in recorded history, winning three championships, four MVP awards and three scoring titles, all while playing for three different teams in two separate professional basketball associations (Wikipedia, 2007). Say, what did you do last Saturday? That’s what I thought.
Now that we got that mess out of the way I can get to the heart of the issue. This is important so pay attention and take you fingers out of your mouth! My blog is about the humor we can find in everyday life if we just look close enough. People must challenge their common assumptions and misconceptions to truly understand the human condition and gain knowledge of their surroundings and each other. I personally like to take that journey with a good bag of jokes strapped to my side. Humor has the ability to make the mundane occasionally entertaining and the unbearable somewhat tolerable.
I plan on covering a lot of ground on a variety of topics. Political and socioeconomic events will be addressed in this blog; mainly because politicians are funny to begin with and the word socioeconomic makes me sound like a freaking genius. I also plan on giving my own unique insight on current events, sports and whatever else may come to mind. The underlying factor, however, is to expose truths and provide a different perspective on the madness that makes this planet spin. They say laughter is the best medicine and, in my professional opinion, I can’t help but agree.
References:
parody. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parody
satire. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. seuss. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. dre. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Dre
Wikipedia. (2007). Dr. pepper. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Pepper
Wikipedia. (2007). Julius erving. Retrieved October 23, 2007, from Wikipedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Erving
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