Walking Buses and Million Dollar Stop Signs

Anyone ever walk or bike to elementary school when they were a kid? I did. Unlike some of my other friends, I didn't take the bus, nor did I get a ride from my parents. Hiking to school was a series of adventurous and often treacherous journeys that undoubtedly played a part in molding me into the semi-well-adjusted person that I am today. It wasn’t always a safe trek to school but it usually proved to be an exciting one.

Through the course of a school week, it wasn’t entirely unusual to encounter a variety of dangerous and challenging obstacles while on one of my routine jaunts through the inner city. With a trusted group of companions, I was forced to navigate through a series of narrow alleys and compact back yards every morning and afternoon. A gauntlet of barbed-wire fences, angry dogs, drunken vagrants, snakes and a plethora of other dangers made the trip more reminiscent of escaping from a WW II interment camp than a walk to school.

I ordinarily made it to class on time and I was always out of breath. I usually had a bit of dirt on my face and, quite possibly, was bleeding from on one of my extremities. Granted, the adrenaline-induced shaking sometimes made it difficult to write and concentrate but it wasn’t as if I had a choice in the issue. Getting a ride to school wasn’t an option because my parents both worked and had to be to their respective jobs long before my school day started. Taking the bus was also out of the question because of zoning issues within the school district. Even though I was forced into the situation, I still look back on the entire ordeal as a fun and exciting part of my childhood. It was an experience that exposed me to the reality of life while simultaneously honing my street smarts.

Apparently, the people at the Department of Transportation didn’t have the same appetite for adventure and danger as kids. Effectively taking the element of fun out of walking to school, the DOT recently launched the Safe Routes to School (SRTS) Program. The goal of this $612 million campaign is to promote physical fitness among school children by encouraging them to walk or bike to school instead of taking the path most traveled (hopping on a bus or getting a ride elsewhere). A majority of the funding has been used to build sidewalks and post traffic signs to make it safer and easier for students to get to school. Money has also been allocated to organize and fund group walks with parents and children, referred to as “walking buses”.

Not surprisingly, the staunchest advocates of this program include business owners and members of the DOT “task force” who initiated the program a little over two years ago. Fred Boykin, a bicycle shop owner in Decatur, Georgia stated, “When we started the pilot project two years ago, there were three bikes, now there are 70.” Fred was referring to the bicycle rack in front of a local school. Unfortunately, Fred was not available for further comment because he was busy helping his fellow citizens by selling Schwins and Huffys to the needy rotund kids in his community. Reportedly, Fred has not let the 2,000 percent increase in his sales go to his head. Decidedly dedicated to the project, Fred elected to free up public walking space by selling his store and relocating from his one bedroom apartment in Decatur to a 110-foot yacht located off the coast of Savannah.

Now I’m all for safety and helping a few fat kids out but has anyone taken the time to really examine this situation? Doesn’t $600 million dollars seem a bit much for a few stop signs and some new crosswalks? Hasn’t it occurred to any of the intellectual commandos on the SRTS Task Force (catchy isn’t it?) that a 10-minute bike ride to school isn’t going to help a chubby kid with an affinity for XBOX 360 and Ding Dongs? I suggest we save the tax payers some hard earned money, ditch the SRTS Program and follow my more practical and economically sound approach to the situation. The following is a brief outline of my path to success for America’s youth:

Cease current spending and allocate funds for the construction of fences. Build fences in entirely random locations; the taller the fence, the better. Allowing children to navigate over such obstacles will not only build confidence, it will also burn calories.

Every resident within the affected school district will be directed to purchase a large vicious dog. There are a lot of commercial weight loss programs out there but, honestly, nothing cuts weight better than running for your life. “Feeling the burn” is more preferable than feeling the bite of “Peanut”, the 170 pound rottweiler living next door.

Remove speed limit signs from school zones. Make crossing the street an adventure again! Nothing else puts a little hustle into a young tike like trying to avoid an El Camino doing 65 mph at 8:00 AM.

Provide hooch to the homeless. Drunken homeless people are an untapped resource in our educational system today. They offer a unique perspective on the trials of life that should not be discounted or overlooked by anyone. Exposure to these exceptional individuals can mold and sculpt a young mind into a cultured and educated adult.

Refereces:

National Center for Safe Routes to School, (2007). Saferoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/

Yee, Daniel (2007). US launches school commute exercise plan . Retrieved October 26, 2007, from news.yahoo.com Web site: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071026/ap_on_he_me/fitness_school_commuters

U.S. Department of Transportation, (2007). SafeRoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/task_force/task_force_members.cfm