Well, it appears our British friends have officially lost their damn minds and I’m not referring to the football hooligans or the Benny Hill fans over there. If you haven’t already heard, Santa Claus is killing our youth one cookie at a time.
Apparently, old Saint Nick is a little too jolly for some. The theory circulating around the UK right now is that Santa is setting a bad example to the kids of the world by being overweight. This horrible display is, in turn, directly contributing to childhood obesity and the illnesses commonly related to it (diabetes, heart disease, etc.).
Hold on! It gets better!
Tim Holland, the manager of the Bluewater Shopping Centre in Kent (London), has pegged the insanity meter by taking this grotesque train of thought one step closer to derailment. Holland, who I can only assume got really lousy Christmas presents as a kid, has started up a “Santa Boot Camp” for the hefty Chris Cringles in his charge. From what I understand, these poor schmucks that dress up as Santa to entertain children every December are being put through physical trials that would make a Green Beret’s heart pop.
The BBC quoted Holland, “We want to make sure Santa is fit so he can deliver all of the presents.”
Can anyone else hear that cuckoo clock blaring at 195 decibels? Supposedly, Timmy “Mr. Pain” Holland is not content with just aerobics and running the snot out of these poor jolly stains. Oh no, der Fuher also wants to add other entertaining events such as strength training exercises called “sack lifts”. I find it ironic that the very same people concerned about negatively influencing children would have groups of grown men (dressed as Santa nonetheless) doing an exercise referred to as a “sack lift” in public.
All of this, of course, is going to be done in broad daylight for everyone to see. Fiona Campbell-Reilly, a PR rep for the shopping center, had this to say: “Bluewater’s Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him.”
Sure, okay, Fiona. Say, what kind of example do you think it will set when a 46 year-old man, dressed as Santa Clause, has a brain embolism in front of a little kid riding that plastic pony in front of the store? Great freaking idea people! In 30 years there won’t be one fat person in England. There won’t be a sane one either, because every poor kid is going to see a “Santa” drop dead in front of them while shopping for presents with their mums.
In all fairness, I can’t blame the entire country of England for this madness. I’m sure there are coherent and sane Brits that are as equally concerned by these recent events. Besides, after taking a look in my own back yard, I realized that this whole nutty idea has already made its way “across the pond” to the United States. Meme Roth, of the National Action Against Obesity recently made an appearance on Your World with Neil Cavuto on the FOX News Network. Meme, who apparently got crap at Christmas also, flashed her “fat police” badge and attempted to sway the masses in this rather humorous interview. Everyone off-camera, obviously enthralled with what Meme had to say, virtually laughed her out of the studio.
There are so many things fundamentally and painfully wrong with this entire situation that it’s difficult to find a place to start. First, chubby guys dressed up as Santa shouldn’t be held to the fire for childhood obesity. If we want to blame anyone it should be those people in charge of their kids. What are they called again? Oh yes, that’s right: PARENTS. Additionally, publicly thrashing a bunch of dopes in Santa outfits is ridiculous. If a store manager wants a skinny Santa then he should just hire one. Honestly, how happy is Father Christmas going to be taking demands from grubby kids after running a half marathon and lifting sacks all day? Finally, it’s a damn tradition, deal with it! Santa is jolly! Don’t ruin my holiday because you want Richard Simmons sliding down your chimney on Christmas Eve.
After everything is said and done, however, I feel I’m obligated to at least consider the other side of the argument. Honestly, to truly understand others you have to consider their beliefs and ideas. Besides, this wouldn’t be a very entertaining and enlightening post if I didn’t present all aspects of the issue. If I were to hypothetically hop on the Santa bashing bandwagon, and blame Saint Nick for our children’s’ woes, I think it would be unfair to isolate just poor old Santa. Why not shirk all of society’s obligations to our youth and blame some other famous holiday characters?
Frosty the Snowman: Not wanting to deviate from Christmas just yet, I think we should take a look at the famous snowman first. Say, Frosty, what’s in that pipe? You have any idea how many people die from lung cancer each year? Wise up and get yourself on a nicotine patch. What? I don’t care if it won’t stick! Cry me a frozen river, snow ball.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: You know who else has a red nose, Rudolph? An alcoholic, that’s who. Clean up your act and go to some meetings lush. Besides, YOU are the one that’s supposed to be LEADING the damn sleigh, remember?
Cupid: According to Eros, the Greek god of love and sex, the recipe for great love making and relationships is just one arrow away. All our boy Cupid does is draw back on that bow and let nature run its course. It sure is a beautiful thing… until someone has an unplanned pregnancy or, even worse, contracts an STD. Real responsible there, lover boy.
The Pilgrim: An icon of Thanksgiving, the image of the pilgrim represents fairness, dignity, and unselfishness. “Hey, Chief Runs With Bears, would you mind if we just ‘borrowed’ your land for a few centuries?” What a role model…
The Easter Bunny: There are thousands of kids in this country that suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). You know what causes that? Your floppy butt jumping all over the place combined with the 2000 grams of sugar that can be found in a basket of candy. What the hell does a rabbit have to do with Easter anyway?References:
BBC News. (2007, November 6). Shopping centre keeps santa fit. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from BBC News Web site: http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/mpapps/pagetools/print/news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/kent/7080545.stm
Cavuto, Neil (2007, November 6). Business/your world. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from FOX News Web site: http://www.foxnews.com/video2/player06.html?110507/110507_cav_santa&Your_World&Bad%20Example%3F&Bad%20Example%3F&Your%20World&-1&Business&240.239&&&exp
Evening Standard. (2007, November 5). Santa told to slim down for christmas to 'set a good example'. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from thisislondon.co.uk Web site:
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23419630-details/Santa+told+to+slim+down+for+Christmas+to+'set+a+good+example'+to+children/article.do
4 comments:
Bob,
Great blog! Perhaps you should think about crossing the picket line in Hollywood to continue with your script writing.
You hit the nail on the head when you stated," We should place the blame where it belongs, on PARENTS." Only thing is, have you seen some parents. How do you expect them to help their children when they can't help themselves.
Again, I'm glad I read your blog. I was LMAO at your twist of humor for the example that characters are setting.
Well!! This is an interesting topic and very funny. It's the world today on this health kick. Going to Santa is a little bit to much. The blame should be with people in general not just parents. Parents can teach you what is healthy but it is up to you to make the kids to make the right choices.
You're on literal fire here, Dr. Banter. Wow. Your writing is clear and thoughtful, your examples profuse, and through satire you actually are making cogent arguments that try to work around all the ridiculousness that has become our cultural norm.
Very powerful writing here...this has got to be your new job.
My God man! Another issue involving Christmas that has absolutely nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. I don't think we can take much more!
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