An Overdue Adieu

Alright people, I have a good-news-bad-news situation on my hands here and I think you should be the first to receive all the glorious details.

First, the good news is I’m expanding my practice. In the past several months I’ve received a great deal of praise and admiration from various individuals and organizations hailing me as the next revolutionary theologian and all around problem solver of the 21st century. Powerful national governments, religious leaders, several Fortune 500 companies and Steve (the guy that does my dry cleaning) have inundated me with literally hundreds of issues and dilemmas that require my complete and immediate attention.

Taking into consideration the gravity of the immense work that lays ahead and that the fate of the entire free world may very well be in my capable hands, I have decided to discontinue my posts here on Blogger for an indefinite period of time. I may continue posting sometime in the distant future but that will only occur after I accomplish two things of vital importance:

1. Working with representatives of the world’s various nations, I plan on ridding our planet of all the social, religious and ethnic disputes that currently ail mankind. I will not rest until there is an international peace among nations and the citizens of our planet live together in global tranquility and harmony.

2. I also need to finish my Christmas shopping.

However, before I embark on my pilgrimage to heal the world (and purchase cheap gifts over the internet) I feel it would be unfair to leave without at least briefly reflecting on my time spent here.

Warning: Sincere commentary in below paragraph!

Although I’ve been in the business of being a smart ass for quite awhile now, I had never delved into the realm of blogging before and I have to admit that I had a good deal of fun with it. It’s a viable forum to express opinions, research and amass information and provide and find a little entertainment. I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to put together a bit of creative writing while simultaneously expressing my views and opinions on issues that I find personally important. Although I will most likely discontinue posting on this particular blog I plan on eventually submitting work to various other sites for their consideration.

So, I must now bid you adieu and set out on my journey to serve humanity and distribute gift cards to my crazy relatives and ungrateful friends. Regardless of what holiday you may be celebrating please remember to take care of each other. Love one another, strive to do well on to all and, at all cost, avoid the chronically stupid.

So You Just Got Dumped

Your life is in shambles and you’re not sure where to go from here right? After all, it’s not like you planed on being dumped; things just didn’t seem to work out for one reason or another. Well, I’m here to tell you that you need to pick that chin up mister! Sure, your girlfriend may have given you several subtle hints that she was no longer interested in you (stopped returning your phone calls, filed that restraining order, set your car on fire, etc.) but remember this: Sometimes, when a woman says “no” she really means “yes”, or at least “maybe”, and that’s better than a disheartening “drop dead” isn’t it?

Life is about challenges and nobody identifies with this fact more than women. The fairer sex is always looking for a way to test men; it’s their way of weeding out the weaker individuals to find the best possible mate to procreate with (“procreate” is just a fancy word for “planning the rest of your life and making sure you never have anything even remotely resembling fun ever again”). Anyway, Charles Darwin best explained this phenomenon while working on his whole theory of natural selection. Ask any man that’s been in a serious relationship (or to the Galapagos Islands) and he’ll attest to this fact.

Right now you’re probably trying to establish where your slovenly butt comes into this equation, right? That, or you’re still trying to figure out if women are literally from Venus. If you’re curious about the former, you’re in the right place. If you’re wondering about the later, I would suggest cutting down on the glue sniffing and watching a little Discovery Channel (preferably something other than American Chopper). The answer to your conundrum is obvious: Your girlfriend dumping you is simply another trial! She really doesn’t want you to call it quits; she’s actually trying to test you resolve and prove your dedication to her. So, how do you get her back? What’s the next step? I’m glad you asked…

It’s honestly all about being decisive and taking bold action (women love a man that’s in charge of a situation). For instance, if she won’t return your phone calls, start dialing up her work number. Calling her 10 to 20 times a day will not only prove your dedication to the relationship but it will also inject a little excitement into her otherwise ho-hum day at the office. She may try to throw you off by blocking your calls or changing her phone number. Don’t be discouraged! If you can’t reach her via phone, email her every half hour on the hour (just make sure to spell check your drafts prior to sending each message).

Another nice thing to do is give her flowers (women are suckers for plants). Make sure you make the effort to actually present her with the flowers; don’t buy into that delivery crap! If this means that you have to wait for her in the parking lot at the local super market than so be it. Alternatively, you could always just break into her apartment and leave a nice floral arrangement on the coffee table. While there, do something else nice for her (like folding and ironing all of her undergarments or shaving her cat).

Don’t be afraid to borrow good ideas from different resources, either. Books, television and movies all contain fine examples on how to win over women. Take, for example, Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Sure, he had to deal with the fact that he was the lone savior of all mankind but he did it with style. He didn’t give in and look how he ended up. By the end of the movie Reeves hooked-up with that really hot chick, Carrie-Ann Moss, and he kicked the crap out of that Agent Smith guy. Start small by dressing up in a black leather trench coat and wearing sunglasses on a routine basis. Make sure to point out the fact that you are The One and her perceived reality is nothing more than a deceiving computer simulation (bonus points if you can fly or know kung fu).

I’m compelled to end this post by emphasizing that winning her back is all about determination. If you’re really dedicated to her don’t let anything stand in your way. Medical professionals or individuals in law enforcement may try to deter you by using negative language like “stalker” or “psychopath”. Do not allow such trivial labels to sway your steely resolve. Stick to your guns and make sure to barricade the front door when the cops show up. There’s nothing better than some face time on FOX News and a 22 hour stand-off with a local SWAT team to get her attention.

Signing Off,
Truly Yours,
Call Me,
I’m Serious,

Dr. Bob “Big Pimpin” Banter

P.S. The above post is dedicated to my classmate, and fellow blogger, Mr. Impact. For some constructive and truly honest advice on relationships please be sure to check out his blog at: http://www.theimpactplace.blogspot.com/. You know I’m just playin’…

References:

O'Neil, Dennis. (2007 November 15). Darwin and natural selection. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Early Theories of Evolution Web site: http://anthro.palomar.edu/evolve/evolve_2.htm

Borenstein, Seth. (2007 November 28). Discovery news. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Discovery Channel Web site: http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/11/28/venus-lightning-space.html

ProFlowers, (2007). I'm sorry flowers. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from ProFlowers Web site: http://www.proflowers.com/sorry-flowers-ims?ref=FGVSRCHgoogskwd%20flowersSRA&pagesplit=SRA&catid=LandingSearch_Search

Barjenbruch, Brian. (1999). Plot summary for the matrix. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Internet Movie Database Web site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0133093/plotsummary