Your life is in shambles and you’re not sure where to go from here right? After all, it’s not like you planed on being dumped; things just didn’t seem to work out for one reason or another. Well, I’m here to tell you that you need to pick that chin up mister! Sure, your girlfriend may have given you several subtle hints that she was no longer interested in you (stopped returning your phone calls, filed that restraining order, set your car on fire, etc.) but remember this: Sometimes, when a woman says “no” she really means “yes”, or at least “maybe”, and that’s better than a disheartening “drop dead” isn’t it?Life is about challenges and nobody identifies with this fact more than women. The fairer sex is always looking for a way to test men; it’s their way of weeding out the weaker individuals to find the best possible mate to procreate with (“procreate” is just a fancy word for “planning the rest of your life and making sure you never have anything even remotely resembling fun ever again”). Anyway, Charles Darwin best explained this phenomenon while working on his whole theory of natural selection. Ask any man that’s been in a serious relationship (or to the Galapagos Islands) and he’ll attest to this fact.
Right now you’re probably trying to establish where your slovenly butt comes into this equation, right? That, or you’re still trying to figure out if women are literally from Venus. If you’re curious about the former, you’re in the right place. If you’re wondering about the later, I would suggest cutting down on the glue sniffing and watching a little Discovery Channel (preferably something other than American Chopper). The answer to your conundrum is obvious: Your girlfriend dumping you is simply another trial! She really doesn’t want you to call it quits; she’s actually trying to test you resolve and prove your dedication to her. So, how do you get her back? What’s the next step? I’m glad you asked…
It’s honestly all about being decisive and taking bold action (women love a man that’s in charge of a situation). For instance, if she won’t return your phone calls, start dialing up her work number. Calling her 10 to 20 times a day will not only prove your dedication to the relationship but it will also inject a little excitement into her otherwise ho-hum day at the office. She may try to throw you off by blocking your calls or changing her phone number. Don’t be discouraged! If you can’t reach her via phone, email her every half hour on the hour (just make sure to spell check your drafts prior to sending each message).
Another nice thing to do is give her flowers (women are suckers for plants). Make sure you make the effort to actually present her with the flowers; don’t buy into that delivery crap! If this means that you have to wait for her in the parking lot at the local super market than so be it. Alternatively, you could always just break into her apartment and leave a nice floral arrangement on the coffee table. While there, do something else nice for her (like folding and ironing all of her undergarments or shaving her cat).
Don’t be afraid to borrow good ideas from different resources, either. Books, television and movies all contain fine examples on how to win over women. Take, for example, Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Sure, he had to deal with the fact that he was the lone savior of all mankind but he did it with style. He didn’t give in and look how he ended up. By the end of the movie Reeves hooked-up with that really hot chick, Carrie-Ann Moss, and he kicked the crap out of that Agent Smith guy. Start small by dressing up in a black leather trench coat and wearing sunglasses on a routine basis. Make sure to point out the fact that you are The One and her perceived reality is nothing more than a deceiving computer simulation (bonus points if you can fly or know kung fu).
I’m compelled to end this post by emphasizing that winning her back is all about determination. If you’re really dedicated to her don’t let anything stand in your way. Medical professionals or individuals in law enforcement may try to deter you by using negative language like “stalker” or “psychopath”. Do not allow such trivial labels to sway your steely resolve. Stick to your guns and make sure to barricade the front door when the cops show up. There’s nothing better than some face time on FOX News and a 22 hour stand-off with a local SWAT team to get her attention.
Signing Off,
Truly Yours,
Call Me,
I’m Serious,
Dr. Bob “Big Pimpin” Banter
P.S. The above post is dedicated to my classmate, and fellow blogger, Mr. Impact. For some constructive and truly honest advice on relationships please be sure to check out his blog at: http://www.theimpactplace.blogspot.com/. You know I’m just playin’…
References:
O'Neil, Dennis. (2007 November 15). Darwin and natural selection. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Early Theories of Evolution Web site: http://anthro.palomar.edu/evolve/evolve_2.htm
Borenstein, Seth. (2007 November 28). Discovery news. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Discovery Channel Web site: http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/11/28/venus-lightning-space.html
ProFlowers, (2007). I'm sorry flowers. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from ProFlowers Web site: http://www.proflowers.com/sorry-flowers-ims?ref=FGVSRCHgoogskwd%20flowersSRA&pagesplit=SRA&catid=LandingSearch_Search
Barjenbruch, Brian. (1999). Plot summary for the matrix. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Internet Movie Database Web site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0133093/plotsummary
4 comments:
I am not worthy.... Enough said. But I could not find any leather coats.
Mr. Impact
I love the dedication. I definitely caught a whiff of interclass competetion relationships-wise here.
A note that I rarely give to you: you stated, "Ask any man that’s been a serious relationship" and it makes me wonder. Is a man an island? How is a man a relationship? I know some guys can be really narcissistic, but this is bordering on sociopathic!
What a sweet advice it is! All women loves the dedication including me. However,some of women enjoy men's dedication without trying to understand men's hearts. It is sad. A women I have known takes everything men give her but she does not care about men loving her. Men, be careful of some women who use you and your dedication and hearts.
Okay that was phenomonal, but hopefully not too many psychos will read it, you may start an epidemic. Yes as women we do enjoy being chased, a little. The trenchcoat could be sexy, but I think more on her with a matching garter and well... I will leave that to your obviously overworked imagination. Now back to the chasing, okay if you really want to iron my undercothes, I will leave them on the front porch, flowers, if not delivered then they will simply be dumped - on your head. If I say see ya, I mean see ya. If you refuse to leave, I will simply embarass the hell out of you until you get the picture. As you walk into my work, every woman will learn about your micropenis and if you stand outside I will simply fall down and scream that you hit me, just long enough to get one lone cowboy to kick your ass. And if all this does not work, I will simply return the favor and stalk your sorry butt, yet it will not be fun for you. Your coworkers will all be informed of your HIV status, as well as everyone else we run into as I follow you every place you go. I won't break into your house, but I will leave a nice sharpie message on your door regarding your habit of peanut butter and cats, specifically your neighbors cat. Yes usually known as a woman thing, but how much more interesting involving a man. So go ahead and pursue, you will give me something to do with my ho-hum day.
On a serious note, thank you for your kind words and I am glad you really listened, that is unusual for a man.
Take care
Post a Comment