Sometimes these posts just seem to write themselves. You’re going to love this one…
Rob Zombie, the well known musician and movie director, recently decided to make a public service announcement on behalf of the organization PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Zombie’s message (which can be accessed by dialing PETA’s holiday hotline) addresses the unethical and inhumane treatment that turkeys receive at the hands of the evil and oppressive mega-corporation known as Butterball (capitalists bastards!). Among other questionable acts, he points out several incidents involving the torture and sexual assault of these poor innocent holiday birds (yes, that’s correct, sexual assault). Zombie concludes his commentary by imploring people to call Butterball and demand that the company stop torturing the poor gobblers.
Now look, I’m not for animals being treated poorly and I don’t have any beef with Rob being a vegetarian, but couldn’t the people at PETA find someone a little more credible to deliver this message? Honestly, we’re talking about the guy that brought us such wholesome family flicks like House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects and (my personal favorite) Werewolf Women of the SS. Now while each of these “artistic ventures” into the realm of cinema differs slightly in content, the overriding theme is blood and gore. Typical gags of the genre run rampant in each film (i.e. axe murders, torture, sadistic gunplay, etc.). In all honesty, maybe PETA should stand for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Audiences. Anyone care to see the Halloween remake? Dr. Loomis, a former colleague, would be rolling in his grave.
To complicate the entire situation even a bit further, Zombie has scheduled performances taking place through the end of the year into January 2008. What's so complicated about that you ask? Oh, nothing really… except for the fact that he’s performing with Mr. Ozzy “Bite the Head Off a Damn Bat and Do It Again Later With A Freaking Dove” Osbourne! Anyone else see a little conflict of interest here? What’s up PETA? Bats aren’t animals in your grand judgment? Doves don’t have rights? Butterball should start sending bats and doves to the local supermarket. Maybe that will shut your hypocritical mouths up long enough for me to enjoy a solid Thanksgiving Day dinner! Bat breasts anyone? How about a nice dove fillet?
The whole situation just got me wondering if any of the other special interest groups out there have geniuses working for them like the virtuosos at PETA. In other words, following PETA’s warped chain of reasoning, who’s going to have the next mornic campaign? I figured I’d just make it easy on those stuffy advocacy-types and create a few mismatches of my own:
MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and Mel Gibson: Mel has been atoning for his actions ever since he took that leisurely 80 mph drive through a Los Angeles suburb last year. Of course there was all that nonsense about being intoxicated, anti-Semitic slurs and belligerence towards the arresting officers but let’s just take a look at the big picture here: Could this organization really pass up the chance at running a future campaign so aptly titled MADD Max 2008? Think “movie sequel”, Mel…
DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and Ricky Williams: This on-again-off-again running back for the Miami Dolphins could definitely teach kids a thing or two about the demons of marijuana and the heartache of contributing to a winless team. For instance, he could elaborate on the fact that weed is a “gateway” drug that can potentially ruin one’s livelihood and the careers of those around him. He could convey the mistakes he’s made in his life so impressionable youth don’t fall into similar pitfalls. Williams could also share his love of nature with children by introducing kids to the family of finches that live in his beard.
The NRA (National Rifle Association) and Vice President Dick Cheney: Not only is the current V.P. of the United States, he’s also a crack shot! Honestly, the Vice President could have taken Texas attorney Harry Whittington down last February quicker than Charlton Heston reading the Bible if he really wanted to (like you wouldn’t pop a lawyer if you had the chance). What better public figure than Mr. Cheney to argue our Second Amendment rights? Hey Dick, drop the hammer and bear those arms!
The APA (American Psychological Association) and Charlie Manson: Granted, Charles isn’t exactly what most people would call “sane” but he is (more or less) a resident expert in the field of psychology. He’s charismatic and he has his own website. Manson has also proven his abilities as a public speaker while leading a cult. I think anyone who has ever had to write an academic paper in APA format will especially agree with me on this idea: I’d like to see those doctors “cite their references” while splitting hairs with Manson in a padded conference room.
The ALA (American Lung Association) and John Wayne: A five-pack-a-day cigarette smoker, John Wayne scoffed at lung cancer. This is mainly due to the fact that he died of stomach cancer. Sure, point your finger and call me crazy for nominating a dead guy as a spokesman for the ALA. It’s all fun and games until the Duke comes back to break up that pansy Screen Writers Guild strike. If I were you, I’d have a pack of Lucky Strikes handy and say my prayers.
References Cited (Thanks APA!):
Anderson and Lewitinn, (2006 July 29). Gibson apologizes for behavior. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/28/gibson.dui/
Bash, Dana. (2006 February 13). Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney/
Buy-Event-Ticket.com. (2007). Ozzy tickets. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from Buy-Event-Ticket.com Web site: http://buy-event-ticket.com/ResultsGeneral.aspx?stype=0&kwds=Ozzy
GoVeg.com. (2007). Rob zombie hosts PETA's holiday hotline. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from GoVeg.com Web site: http://goveg.com/f_rob_zombie.asp
Rob Zombie, the well known musician and movie director, recently decided to make a public service announcement on behalf of the organization PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Zombie’s message (which can be accessed by dialing PETA’s holiday hotline) addresses the unethical and inhumane treatment that turkeys receive at the hands of the evil and oppressive mega-corporation known as Butterball (capitalists bastards!). Among other questionable acts, he points out several incidents involving the torture and sexual assault of these poor innocent holiday birds (yes, that’s correct, sexual assault). Zombie concludes his commentary by imploring people to call Butterball and demand that the company stop torturing the poor gobblers.
Now look, I’m not for animals being treated poorly and I don’t have any beef with Rob being a vegetarian, but couldn’t the people at PETA find someone a little more credible to deliver this message? Honestly, we’re talking about the guy that brought us such wholesome family flicks like House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects and (my personal favorite) Werewolf Women of the SS. Now while each of these “artistic ventures” into the realm of cinema differs slightly in content, the overriding theme is blood and gore. Typical gags of the genre run rampant in each film (i.e. axe murders, torture, sadistic gunplay, etc.). In all honesty, maybe PETA should stand for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Audiences. Anyone care to see the Halloween remake? Dr. Loomis, a former colleague, would be rolling in his grave.
To complicate the entire situation even a bit further, Zombie has scheduled performances taking place through the end of the year into January 2008. What's so complicated about that you ask? Oh, nothing really… except for the fact that he’s performing with Mr. Ozzy “Bite the Head Off a Damn Bat and Do It Again Later With A Freaking Dove” Osbourne! Anyone else see a little conflict of interest here? What’s up PETA? Bats aren’t animals in your grand judgment? Doves don’t have rights? Butterball should start sending bats and doves to the local supermarket. Maybe that will shut your hypocritical mouths up long enough for me to enjoy a solid Thanksgiving Day dinner! Bat breasts anyone? How about a nice dove fillet?
The whole situation just got me wondering if any of the other special interest groups out there have geniuses working for them like the virtuosos at PETA. In other words, following PETA’s warped chain of reasoning, who’s going to have the next mornic campaign? I figured I’d just make it easy on those stuffy advocacy-types and create a few mismatches of my own:
MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and Mel Gibson: Mel has been atoning for his actions ever since he took that leisurely 80 mph drive through a Los Angeles suburb last year. Of course there was all that nonsense about being intoxicated, anti-Semitic slurs and belligerence towards the arresting officers but let’s just take a look at the big picture here: Could this organization really pass up the chance at running a future campaign so aptly titled MADD Max 2008? Think “movie sequel”, Mel…
DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and Ricky Williams: This on-again-off-again running back for the Miami Dolphins could definitely teach kids a thing or two about the demons of marijuana and the heartache of contributing to a winless team. For instance, he could elaborate on the fact that weed is a “gateway” drug that can potentially ruin one’s livelihood and the careers of those around him. He could convey the mistakes he’s made in his life so impressionable youth don’t fall into similar pitfalls. Williams could also share his love of nature with children by introducing kids to the family of finches that live in his beard. 
The NRA (National Rifle Association) and Vice President Dick Cheney: Not only is the current V.P. of the United States, he’s also a crack shot! Honestly, the Vice President could have taken Texas attorney Harry Whittington down last February quicker than Charlton Heston reading the Bible if he really wanted to (like you wouldn’t pop a lawyer if you had the chance). What better public figure than Mr. Cheney to argue our Second Amendment rights? Hey Dick, drop the hammer and bear those arms! 
The APA (American Psychological Association) and Charlie Manson: Granted, Charles isn’t exactly what most people would call “sane” but he is (more or less) a resident expert in the field of psychology. He’s charismatic and he has his own website. Manson has also proven his abilities as a public speaker while leading a cult. I think anyone who has ever had to write an academic paper in APA format will especially agree with me on this idea: I’d like to see those doctors “cite their references” while splitting hairs with Manson in a padded conference room. 
The ALA (American Lung Association) and John Wayne: A five-pack-a-day cigarette smoker, John Wayne scoffed at lung cancer. This is mainly due to the fact that he died of stomach cancer. Sure, point your finger and call me crazy for nominating a dead guy as a spokesman for the ALA. It’s all fun and games until the Duke comes back to break up that pansy Screen Writers Guild strike. If I were you, I’d have a pack of Lucky Strikes handy and say my prayers.References Cited (Thanks APA!):
Anderson and Lewitinn, (2006 July 29). Gibson apologizes for behavior. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/28/gibson.dui/
Bash, Dana. (2006 February 13). Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney/
Buy-Event-Ticket.com. (2007). Ozzy tickets. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from Buy-Event-Ticket.com Web site: http://buy-event-ticket.com/ResultsGeneral.aspx?stype=0&kwds=Ozzy
GoVeg.com. (2007). Rob zombie hosts PETA's holiday hotline. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from GoVeg.com Web site: http://goveg.com/f_rob_zombie.asp
JohnWayne.com. (2005). John wayne biography. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from JohnWayne.com Web site: http://www.johnwayne.com/
Turner, Mark (2007). October news. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CharlesManson.com Web site: http://www.charliemanson.com/
1 comment:
Great post, doc. Excellent use of varied sources, nice organization of data, and good for an ironic laugh. As a vegetarian myself, I do find the Zombie-Osbourne pairing odd, to say the least. But we know, really, that Zombie makes *fake* movies, even if they are a bit bloody. So I can't find much problem with him working with PETA there. This makes me wonder, though, why PETA would turn down Heather Mills McCartney and pick up Zombie. Interesting choice in spokespeople...
I was just saying to my husband the other day that it's never a bad day when Jackson Browne is on the radio (now blog).
Excellent post!
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