An Overdue Adieu

Alright people, I have a good-news-bad-news situation on my hands here and I think you should be the first to receive all the glorious details.

First, the good news is I’m expanding my practice. In the past several months I’ve received a great deal of praise and admiration from various individuals and organizations hailing me as the next revolutionary theologian and all around problem solver of the 21st century. Powerful national governments, religious leaders, several Fortune 500 companies and Steve (the guy that does my dry cleaning) have inundated me with literally hundreds of issues and dilemmas that require my complete and immediate attention.

Taking into consideration the gravity of the immense work that lays ahead and that the fate of the entire free world may very well be in my capable hands, I have decided to discontinue my posts here on Blogger for an indefinite period of time. I may continue posting sometime in the distant future but that will only occur after I accomplish two things of vital importance:

1. Working with representatives of the world’s various nations, I plan on ridding our planet of all the social, religious and ethnic disputes that currently ail mankind. I will not rest until there is an international peace among nations and the citizens of our planet live together in global tranquility and harmony.

2. I also need to finish my Christmas shopping.

However, before I embark on my pilgrimage to heal the world (and purchase cheap gifts over the internet) I feel it would be unfair to leave without at least briefly reflecting on my time spent here.

Warning: Sincere commentary in below paragraph!

Although I’ve been in the business of being a smart ass for quite awhile now, I had never delved into the realm of blogging before and I have to admit that I had a good deal of fun with it. It’s a viable forum to express opinions, research and amass information and provide and find a little entertainment. I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to put together a bit of creative writing while simultaneously expressing my views and opinions on issues that I find personally important. Although I will most likely discontinue posting on this particular blog I plan on eventually submitting work to various other sites for their consideration.

So, I must now bid you adieu and set out on my journey to serve humanity and distribute gift cards to my crazy relatives and ungrateful friends. Regardless of what holiday you may be celebrating please remember to take care of each other. Love one another, strive to do well on to all and, at all cost, avoid the chronically stupid.

So You Just Got Dumped

Your life is in shambles and you’re not sure where to go from here right? After all, it’s not like you planed on being dumped; things just didn’t seem to work out for one reason or another. Well, I’m here to tell you that you need to pick that chin up mister! Sure, your girlfriend may have given you several subtle hints that she was no longer interested in you (stopped returning your phone calls, filed that restraining order, set your car on fire, etc.) but remember this: Sometimes, when a woman says “no” she really means “yes”, or at least “maybe”, and that’s better than a disheartening “drop dead” isn’t it?

Life is about challenges and nobody identifies with this fact more than women. The fairer sex is always looking for a way to test men; it’s their way of weeding out the weaker individuals to find the best possible mate to procreate with (“procreate” is just a fancy word for “planning the rest of your life and making sure you never have anything even remotely resembling fun ever again”). Anyway, Charles Darwin best explained this phenomenon while working on his whole theory of natural selection. Ask any man that’s been in a serious relationship (or to the Galapagos Islands) and he’ll attest to this fact.

Right now you’re probably trying to establish where your slovenly butt comes into this equation, right? That, or you’re still trying to figure out if women are literally from Venus. If you’re curious about the former, you’re in the right place. If you’re wondering about the later, I would suggest cutting down on the glue sniffing and watching a little Discovery Channel (preferably something other than American Chopper). The answer to your conundrum is obvious: Your girlfriend dumping you is simply another trial! She really doesn’t want you to call it quits; she’s actually trying to test you resolve and prove your dedication to her. So, how do you get her back? What’s the next step? I’m glad you asked…

It’s honestly all about being decisive and taking bold action (women love a man that’s in charge of a situation). For instance, if she won’t return your phone calls, start dialing up her work number. Calling her 10 to 20 times a day will not only prove your dedication to the relationship but it will also inject a little excitement into her otherwise ho-hum day at the office. She may try to throw you off by blocking your calls or changing her phone number. Don’t be discouraged! If you can’t reach her via phone, email her every half hour on the hour (just make sure to spell check your drafts prior to sending each message).

Another nice thing to do is give her flowers (women are suckers for plants). Make sure you make the effort to actually present her with the flowers; don’t buy into that delivery crap! If this means that you have to wait for her in the parking lot at the local super market than so be it. Alternatively, you could always just break into her apartment and leave a nice floral arrangement on the coffee table. While there, do something else nice for her (like folding and ironing all of her undergarments or shaving her cat).

Don’t be afraid to borrow good ideas from different resources, either. Books, television and movies all contain fine examples on how to win over women. Take, for example, Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Sure, he had to deal with the fact that he was the lone savior of all mankind but he did it with style. He didn’t give in and look how he ended up. By the end of the movie Reeves hooked-up with that really hot chick, Carrie-Ann Moss, and he kicked the crap out of that Agent Smith guy. Start small by dressing up in a black leather trench coat and wearing sunglasses on a routine basis. Make sure to point out the fact that you are The One and her perceived reality is nothing more than a deceiving computer simulation (bonus points if you can fly or know kung fu).

I’m compelled to end this post by emphasizing that winning her back is all about determination. If you’re really dedicated to her don’t let anything stand in your way. Medical professionals or individuals in law enforcement may try to deter you by using negative language like “stalker” or “psychopath”. Do not allow such trivial labels to sway your steely resolve. Stick to your guns and make sure to barricade the front door when the cops show up. There’s nothing better than some face time on FOX News and a 22 hour stand-off with a local SWAT team to get her attention.

Signing Off,
Truly Yours,
Call Me,
I’m Serious,

Dr. Bob “Big Pimpin” Banter

P.S. The above post is dedicated to my classmate, and fellow blogger, Mr. Impact. For some constructive and truly honest advice on relationships please be sure to check out his blog at: http://www.theimpactplace.blogspot.com/. You know I’m just playin’…

References:

O'Neil, Dennis. (2007 November 15). Darwin and natural selection. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Early Theories of Evolution Web site: http://anthro.palomar.edu/evolve/evolve_2.htm

Borenstein, Seth. (2007 November 28). Discovery news. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Discovery Channel Web site: http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/11/28/venus-lightning-space.html

ProFlowers, (2007). I'm sorry flowers. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from ProFlowers Web site: http://www.proflowers.com/sorry-flowers-ims?ref=FGVSRCHgoogskwd%20flowersSRA&pagesplit=SRA&catid=LandingSearch_Search

Barjenbruch, Brian. (1999). Plot summary for the matrix. Retrieved December 4, 2007, from Internet Movie Database Web site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0133093/plotsummary

Chinese Probe Gets the Lead Out

Yesterday afternoon, Premier Wen Jiabao unveiled pictures of the moon taken by the Chang’e 1 lunar probe. The images were revealed at a ceremony held at the Beijing Aerospace Control Center and marked an important step in the country’s budding space program. China, along with the United States and Russia, is one of the few countries to have put a man in orbit (AP, 2007).

Last month, the probe departed China aboard a Long March 3A rocket and will be surveying the moon in preparation for a tentative lunar landing in 2012 and a later sample collecting mission in 2020. The Chinese National Space Administration (CNSA) hopes to have the entire surface of the moon mapped out sometime early next year (AP, 2007).

When questioned about future lunar endeavors, CNSA director Sun Laiyan responded, “For the time being we have no plans to send any Chinese onto the moon.” Laiyan later added, “So please do not put even more pressure on our shoulders. But having said that, I'm confident that one day China will send its taikonaut [a Chinese astronaut] on the moon and I hope to see that day." (AP, 2007).

Despite growing competition in the Asian space exploration market, Laiyan made an effort to point out that the CNSA has an open program that is willing to adhere to international practices. Officials also emphasized that, although lunar research is a focal point of their space program, Beijing also has a sincere interest in contributing to the global community (AP, 2007).

The CNSA is looking forward to the opportunity of assisting other countries with the development and construction of the international space station (AP, 2007). When asked what specific role China would play in the project one official responded, “We are currently gearing our research towards the development of innovative chemical compounds that, when applied to various structural surfaces, will help protect space vehicles from the harsh conditions that typically present themselves while in orbit around the earth.”

“Exiting the earth’s atmosphere is obviously a dangerous business and, while many efforts have been made to shield spacecraft, and those piloting them, we believe there are even better ways to protect such valued assets,” Laiyan added during further questioning.

However, the project to develop a better aerospace vehicle finish has not proceeded without criticism and complications. International officials have constantly hounded the Chinese space program concerning their alleged use of lead-based chemicals in the production of their new “space paints”.

One scientist was visibly flustered when responding to accusations that the space agency was cutting corners in order to meet strict deadlines imposed by the military, “Do you honestly believe that we would use lead paint on a space vehicle? That makes absolutely zero sense and I’m shocked that so many people have even bought into the concept. It’s common knowledge in China that we strictly reserve the use of lead paint for only very specific applications. Chief among these is the production of goods for infants and toddlers, such as toys and eating utensils. Lead is an obvious choice because it’s cheap and it taste like chocolate. Everybody knows how much kids love chocolate!”

Premier Jiabao concluded the ceremony by adding, “Please understand we have a vested interest in the space program here at Beijing. Something as trivial as children, especially those in other countries, digesting harmful amounts of lead should not overshadow what our real goal is here. We are constantly pushing forward to develop and apply new technologies that will one day benefit all mankind.”

References:

Associated Press. (2007, Nov 27). China probe captures lunar image. Retrieved November 27, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/11/27/china.space.probe.ap/index.html

Jive Turkey

Sometimes these posts just seem to write themselves. You’re going to love this one…

Rob Zombie, the well known musician and movie director, recently decided to make a public service announcement on behalf of the organization PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Zombie’s message (which can be accessed by dialing PETA’s holiday hotline) addresses the unethical and inhumane treatment that turkeys receive at the hands of the evil and oppressive mega-corporation known as Butterball (capitalists bastards!). Among other questionable acts, he points out several incidents involving the torture and sexual assault of these poor innocent holiday birds (yes, that’s correct, sexual assault). Zombie concludes his commentary by imploring people to call Butterball and demand that the company stop torturing the poor gobblers.

Now look, I’m not for animals being treated poorly and I don’t have any beef with Rob being a vegetarian, but couldn’t the people at PETA find someone a little more credible to deliver this message? Honestly, we’re talking about the guy that brought us such wholesome family flicks like House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects and (my personal favorite) Werewolf Women of the SS. Now while each of these “artistic ventures” into the realm of cinema differs slightly in content, the overriding theme is blood and gore. Typical gags of the genre run rampant in each film (i.e. axe murders, torture, sadistic gunplay, etc.). In all honesty, maybe PETA should stand for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Audiences. Anyone care to see the Halloween remake? Dr. Loomis, a former colleague, would be rolling in his grave.

To complicate the entire situation even a bit further, Zombie has scheduled performances taking place through the end of the year into January 2008. What's so complicated about that you ask? Oh, nothing really… except for the fact that he’s performing with Mr. Ozzy “Bite the Head Off a Damn Bat and Do It Again Later With A Freaking Dove” Osbourne! Anyone else see a little conflict of interest here? What’s up PETA? Bats aren’t animals in your grand judgment? Doves don’t have rights? Butterball should start sending bats and doves to the local supermarket. Maybe that will shut your hypocritical mouths up long enough for me to enjoy a solid Thanksgiving Day dinner! Bat breasts anyone? How about a nice dove fillet?

The whole situation just got me wondering if any of the other special interest groups out there have geniuses working for them like the virtuosos at PETA. In other words, following PETA’s warped chain of reasoning, who’s going to have the next mornic campaign? I figured I’d just make it easy on those stuffy advocacy-types and create a few mismatches of my own:

MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and Mel Gibson: Mel has been atoning for his actions ever since he took that leisurely 80 mph drive through a Los Angeles suburb last year. Of course there was all that nonsense about being intoxicated, anti-Semitic slurs and belligerence towards the arresting officers but let’s just take a look at the big picture here: Could this organization really pass up the chance at running a future campaign so aptly titled MADD Max 2008? Think “movie sequel”, Mel…

DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and Ricky Williams: This on-again-off-again running back for the Miami Dolphins could definitely teach kids a thing or two about the demons of marijuana and the heartache of contributing to a winless team. For instance, he could elaborate on the fact that weed is a “gateway” drug that can potentially ruin one’s livelihood and the careers of those around him. He could convey the mistakes he’s made in his life so impressionable youth don’t fall into similar pitfalls. Williams could also share his love of nature with children by introducing kids to the family of finches that live in his beard.

The NRA (National Rifle Association) and Vice President Dick Cheney: Not only is the current V.P. of the United States, he’s also a crack shot! Honestly, the Vice President could have taken Texas attorney Harry Whittington down last February quicker than Charlton Heston reading the Bible if he really wanted to (like you wouldn’t pop a lawyer if you had the chance). What better public figure than Mr. Cheney to argue our Second Amendment rights? Hey Dick, drop the hammer and bear those arms!

The APA (American Psychological Association) and Charlie Manson: Granted, Charles isn’t exactly what most people would call “sane” but he is (more or less) a resident expert in the field of psychology. He’s charismatic and he has his own website. Manson has also proven his abilities as a public speaker while leading a cult. I think anyone who has ever had to write an academic paper in APA format will especially agree with me on this idea: I’d like to see those doctors “cite their references” while splitting hairs with Manson in a padded conference room.

The ALA (American Lung Association) and John Wayne: A five-pack-a-day cigarette smoker, John Wayne scoffed at lung cancer. This is mainly due to the fact that he died of stomach cancer. Sure, point your finger and call me crazy for nominating a dead guy as a spokesman for the ALA. It’s all fun and games until the Duke comes back to break up that pansy Screen Writers Guild strike. If I were you, I’d have a pack of Lucky Strikes handy and say my prayers.

References Cited (Thanks APA!):

Anderson and Lewitinn, (2006 July 29). Gibson apologizes for behavior. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/28/gibson.dui/

Bash, Dana. (2006 February 13). Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CNN.com Web site: http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney/

Buy-Event-Ticket.com. (2007). Ozzy tickets. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from Buy-Event-Ticket.com Web site: http://buy-event-ticket.com/ResultsGeneral.aspx?stype=0&kwds=Ozzy

GoVeg.com. (2007). Rob zombie hosts PETA's holiday hotline. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from GoVeg.com Web site: http://goveg.com/f_rob_zombie.asp

JohnWayne.com. (2005). John wayne biography. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from JohnWayne.com Web site: http://www.johnwayne.com/

Turner, Mark (2007). October news. Retrieved November 20, 2007, from CharlesManson.com Web site: http://www.charliemanson.com/

Remember the Alamo (Movie)!

Note: Decidedly short on time and material, I thought it would be prudent to share something a little more personal in this week’s post. Although nothing presented below is making any headlines in the media, it did teach me a thing or to about how we, as people, can make the mistake of skewing history with myth. I believe it’s important to differentiate between the two. Perhaps there would be less fighting and pain in the world if people could recognize the differences between the facts and fictions that, at times, drive their political and religious tirades. Consequently, a tirade and a parade have nothing in common; they just sound alike. Away we go:

So I recently returned from a wedding in San Antonio, Texas and I have to admit I had a great time. I flew in early the day prior to the wedding and was picked up by my friend’s fiancé. We arrived at the resort, where the wedding was to take place, after a relatively short and scenic car ride. That evening there was a small party, consisting of about 60 people, that was nothing short of a blast. My friends got married the following afternoon in front of the Guadalupe River under a perfect blue sky. Another party, this time consisting of more than 100 people, fired up that evening to celebrate the occasion.

The following day, a group of us decided to go out and investigate the local attractions in San Antonio. One thing instantly came to mind as we were making the commute into town: I had to see the Alamo. Sure, I wanted to sample the cuisine and I was definitely looking forward to a cold beer after running around under the hot sun all afternoon. However, visiting the Alamo was something that I was honestly looking forward to prior to landing in Texas. I had wanted to visit the location ever since I had seen the movie by the same name.

How could any red-blooded American not be excited at the prospect of seeing the Alamo? After all, this was the place where a group of men, in the face of cetin death, spat in the face of their enemy and sacrificed themselves in a battle against tyranny! The very place where such legends as Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and William Travis defended their way of life until the final breath! If you’re not jumping out of your seat, you have to check out the official website! Just be sure not to fire off any live ammunition inside your house while watching the animated introduction.

You see, I managed to fall in love with the story of the Alamo after seeing the movie as a young boy. John Wayne directed, produced and starred in the 1960 theatrical release simply titled The Alamo. My father and I sat down and watched this film together whenever I managed to come down with a fever or the flu or if the weather was too bad for school. I grew up pretty far north and the snow sometimes got bad in the winter. It wasn’t so bad that we had to eat our neighbors to ensure our survival; just bad enough to have a few guaranteed days off of school each year.

So, all things considered, I suppose I managed to romanticize the entire Alamo story. Of course like any young American kid, all of my information was derived from strictly one resource: television. All I needed to know about the Alamo was taught to me by the late great Duke. Or, so I thought. You know, growing up really sucks sometimes doesn’t it? I suppose I should get back to San Antonio now shouldn’t I?

Trotting by an old warehouse I asked my friend, “So where is it? Is it around the corner? Do you have the map?”

“You just passed it,” he replied with one of those half-snort-half-laughs.

I suppose that was the initial bursting of my bubble. I think I missed the old mission because we approached it from the wrong side (the side facing what appeared to be a burnt-out crack house if you’re curious). I was also thrown a bit off because what I expected to be there just wasn’t there. There were no grand walls guarding every side of the landmark. There was no vast expanse of land cleared to accommodate droves of tourists, nor were there ticket gates or parking lots. It was just simply there, located amongst bars and a small shopping district.

Once inside, I found the people who worked at the Alamo to be very knowledgeable… too knowledgeable for me, unfortunately. I managed to discover all sorts of “interesting” facts about many of my childhood heroes. For instance, Davy Crockett was never referred to as “Davy” (he detested it). Apparently, this was just a misinterpretation of a document he had signed where his name “David” appeared as “Davy”. I also discovered that William Travis ran out on his wife, son and unborn child when he was in his early twenties. Finally, and what I consider to be the biggest downer, Jim Bowie was an avid slave owner and trader prior to arriving at the Alamo (not such a “folk heroic” trait in my opinion).

We went on with a guided tour of the museum which concluded with a speech given by a member of the Daughters of the Republic of Texas (a group charged with entertaining visitors and maintaining the Alamo). The speech she gave was very moving but it also introduced me to a few other disheartening facts. Chief among them was that Santa Anna (the Mexican general that led the siege of the Alamo) was not exactly the evil villain that I thought he had been. I was shocked to learn that Santa Anna was an abolitionist and detested slavery while many of the men in the Alamo were very pro-slavery. It was kind of like not being able to hate Darth Vader anymore because I found out he was really Luke’s father; huge downer.

So, I guess I’ll wrap it up here by saying I’m very happy that I finally got to see the Alamo. I also don’t want to take anything away from the people that fought there or the people that currently work there. It just strikes me as funny that the very experiences that make us educated adults also have that nasty habit of ruining fond childhood memories. Oh well, I suppose that’s what life is about; a constant learning experience.

See you next week (hopefully with something a little more on the lighter side of things).

References:

Borroughs, D.B. (2004 September 13). The Alamo. Retrieved November 14, 2007, from The Internet Movie Database Web site: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053580/

Winders, Richard. (2007). The Alamo. Retrieved November 14, 2007, from The Alamo.org Web site: http://www.thealamo.org/

Thanks for Ruining Christmas You Tools

Well, it appears our British friends have officially lost their damn minds and I’m not referring to the football hooligans or the Benny Hill fans over there. If you haven’t already heard, Santa Claus is killing our youth one cookie at a time.

Apparently, old Saint Nick is a little too jolly for some. The theory circulating around the UK right now is that Santa is setting a bad example to the kids of the world by being overweight. This horrible display is, in turn, directly contributing to childhood obesity and the illnesses commonly related to it (diabetes, heart disease, etc.).

Hold on! It gets better!

Tim Holland, the manager of the Bluewater Shopping Centre in Kent (London), has pegged the insanity meter by taking this grotesque train of thought one step closer to derailment. Holland, who I can only assume got really lousy Christmas presents as a kid, has started up a “Santa Boot Camp” for the hefty Chris Cringles in his charge. From what I understand, these poor schmucks that dress up as Santa to entertain children every December are being put through physical trials that would make a Green Beret’s heart pop.

The BBC quoted Holland, “We want to make sure Santa is fit so he can deliver all of the presents.”

Can anyone else hear that cuckoo clock blaring at 195 decibels? Supposedly, Timmy “Mr. Pain” Holland is not content with just aerobics and running the snot out of these poor jolly stains. Oh no, der Fuher also wants to add other entertaining events such as strength training exercises called “sack lifts”. I find it ironic that the very same people concerned about negatively influencing children would have groups of grown men (dressed as Santa nonetheless) doing an exercise referred to as a “sack lift” in public.

All of this, of course, is going to be done in broad daylight for everyone to see. Fiona Campbell-Reilly, a PR rep for the shopping center, had this to say: “Bluewater’s Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him.”

Sure, okay, Fiona. Say, what kind of example do you think it will set when a 46 year-old man, dressed as Santa Clause, has a brain embolism in front of a little kid riding that plastic pony in front of the store? Great freaking idea people! In 30 years there won’t be one fat person in England. There won’t be a sane one either, because every poor kid is going to see a “Santa” drop dead in front of them while shopping for presents with their mums.

In all fairness, I can’t blame the entire country of England for this madness. I’m sure there are coherent and sane Brits that are as equally concerned by these recent events. Besides, after taking a look in my own back yard, I realized that this whole nutty idea has already made its way “across the pond” to the United States. Meme Roth, of the National Action Against Obesity recently made an appearance on Your World with Neil Cavuto on the FOX News Network. Meme, who apparently got crap at Christmas also, flashed her “fat police” badge and attempted to sway the masses in this rather humorous interview. Everyone off-camera, obviously enthralled with what Meme had to say, virtually laughed her out of the studio.

There are so many things fundamentally and painfully wrong with this entire situation that it’s difficult to find a place to start. First, chubby guys dressed up as Santa shouldn’t be held to the fire for childhood obesity. If we want to blame anyone it should be those people in charge of their kids. What are they called again? Oh yes, that’s right: PARENTS. Additionally, publicly thrashing a bunch of dopes in Santa outfits is ridiculous. If a store manager wants a skinny Santa then he should just hire one. Honestly, how happy is Father Christmas going to be taking demands from grubby kids after running a half marathon and lifting sacks all day? Finally, it’s a damn tradition, deal with it! Santa is jolly! Don’t ruin my holiday because you want Richard Simmons sliding down your chimney on Christmas Eve.

After everything is said and done, however, I feel I’m obligated to at least consider the other side of the argument. Honestly, to truly understand others you have to consider their beliefs and ideas. Besides, this wouldn’t be a very entertaining and enlightening post if I didn’t present all aspects of the issue. If I were to hypothetically hop on the Santa bashing bandwagon, and blame Saint Nick for our children’s’ woes, I think it would be unfair to isolate just poor old Santa. Why not shirk all of society’s obligations to our youth and blame some other famous holiday characters?

Frosty the Snowman: Not wanting to deviate from Christmas just yet, I think we should take a look at the famous snowman first. Say, Frosty, what’s in that pipe? You have any idea how many people die from lung cancer each year? Wise up and get yourself on a nicotine patch. What? I don’t care if it won’t stick! Cry me a frozen river, snow ball.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: You know who else has a red nose, Rudolph? An alcoholic, that’s who. Clean up your act and go to some meetings lush. Besides, YOU are the one that’s supposed to be LEADING the damn sleigh, remember?

Cupid: According to Eros, the Greek god of love and sex, the recipe for great love making and relationships is just one arrow away. All our boy Cupid does is draw back on that bow and let nature run its course. It sure is a beautiful thing… until someone has an unplanned pregnancy or, even worse, contracts an STD. Real responsible there, lover boy.

The Pilgrim: An icon of Thanksgiving, the image of the pilgrim represents fairness, dignity, and unselfishness. “Hey, Chief Runs With Bears, would you mind if we just ‘borrowed’ your land for a few centuries?” What a role model…

The Easter Bunny: There are thousands of kids in this country that suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). You know what causes that? Your floppy butt jumping all over the place combined with the 2000 grams of sugar that can be found in a basket of candy. What the hell does a rabbit have to do with Easter anyway?

References:

BBC News. (2007, November 6). Shopping centre keeps santa fit. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from BBC News Web site: http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/mpapps/pagetools/print/news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/kent/7080545.stm

Cavuto, Neil (2007, November 6). Business/your world. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from FOX News Web site: http://www.foxnews.com/video2/player06.html?110507/110507_cav_santa&Your_World&Bad%20Example%3F&Bad%20Example%3F&Your%20World&-1&Business&240.239&&&exp

Evening Standard. (2007, November 5). Santa told to slim down for christmas to 'set a good example'. Retrieved November 6, 2007, from thisislondon.co.uk Web site:
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23419630-details/Santa+told+to+slim+down+for+Christmas+to+'set+a+good+example'+to+children/article.do

Walking Buses and Million Dollar Stop Signs

Anyone ever walk or bike to elementary school when they were a kid? I did. Unlike some of my other friends, I didn't take the bus, nor did I get a ride from my parents. Hiking to school was a series of adventurous and often treacherous journeys that undoubtedly played a part in molding me into the semi-well-adjusted person that I am today. It wasn’t always a safe trek to school but it usually proved to be an exciting one.

Through the course of a school week, it wasn’t entirely unusual to encounter a variety of dangerous and challenging obstacles while on one of my routine jaunts through the inner city. With a trusted group of companions, I was forced to navigate through a series of narrow alleys and compact back yards every morning and afternoon. A gauntlet of barbed-wire fences, angry dogs, drunken vagrants, snakes and a plethora of other dangers made the trip more reminiscent of escaping from a WW II interment camp than a walk to school.

I ordinarily made it to class on time and I was always out of breath. I usually had a bit of dirt on my face and, quite possibly, was bleeding from on one of my extremities. Granted, the adrenaline-induced shaking sometimes made it difficult to write and concentrate but it wasn’t as if I had a choice in the issue. Getting a ride to school wasn’t an option because my parents both worked and had to be to their respective jobs long before my school day started. Taking the bus was also out of the question because of zoning issues within the school district. Even though I was forced into the situation, I still look back on the entire ordeal as a fun and exciting part of my childhood. It was an experience that exposed me to the reality of life while simultaneously honing my street smarts.

Apparently, the people at the Department of Transportation didn’t have the same appetite for adventure and danger as kids. Effectively taking the element of fun out of walking to school, the DOT recently launched the Safe Routes to School (SRTS) Program. The goal of this $612 million campaign is to promote physical fitness among school children by encouraging them to walk or bike to school instead of taking the path most traveled (hopping on a bus or getting a ride elsewhere). A majority of the funding has been used to build sidewalks and post traffic signs to make it safer and easier for students to get to school. Money has also been allocated to organize and fund group walks with parents and children, referred to as “walking buses”.

Not surprisingly, the staunchest advocates of this program include business owners and members of the DOT “task force” who initiated the program a little over two years ago. Fred Boykin, a bicycle shop owner in Decatur, Georgia stated, “When we started the pilot project two years ago, there were three bikes, now there are 70.” Fred was referring to the bicycle rack in front of a local school. Unfortunately, Fred was not available for further comment because he was busy helping his fellow citizens by selling Schwins and Huffys to the needy rotund kids in his community. Reportedly, Fred has not let the 2,000 percent increase in his sales go to his head. Decidedly dedicated to the project, Fred elected to free up public walking space by selling his store and relocating from his one bedroom apartment in Decatur to a 110-foot yacht located off the coast of Savannah.

Now I’m all for safety and helping a few fat kids out but has anyone taken the time to really examine this situation? Doesn’t $600 million dollars seem a bit much for a few stop signs and some new crosswalks? Hasn’t it occurred to any of the intellectual commandos on the SRTS Task Force (catchy isn’t it?) that a 10-minute bike ride to school isn’t going to help a chubby kid with an affinity for XBOX 360 and Ding Dongs? I suggest we save the tax payers some hard earned money, ditch the SRTS Program and follow my more practical and economically sound approach to the situation. The following is a brief outline of my path to success for America’s youth:

Cease current spending and allocate funds for the construction of fences. Build fences in entirely random locations; the taller the fence, the better. Allowing children to navigate over such obstacles will not only build confidence, it will also burn calories.

Every resident within the affected school district will be directed to purchase a large vicious dog. There are a lot of commercial weight loss programs out there but, honestly, nothing cuts weight better than running for your life. “Feeling the burn” is more preferable than feeling the bite of “Peanut”, the 170 pound rottweiler living next door.

Remove speed limit signs from school zones. Make crossing the street an adventure again! Nothing else puts a little hustle into a young tike like trying to avoid an El Camino doing 65 mph at 8:00 AM.

Provide hooch to the homeless. Drunken homeless people are an untapped resource in our educational system today. They offer a unique perspective on the trials of life that should not be discounted or overlooked by anyone. Exposure to these exceptional individuals can mold and sculpt a young mind into a cultured and educated adult.

Refereces:

National Center for Safe Routes to School, (2007). Saferoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/

Yee, Daniel (2007). US launches school commute exercise plan . Retrieved October 26, 2007, from news.yahoo.com Web site: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071026/ap_on_he_me/fitness_school_commuters

U.S. Department of Transportation, (2007). SafeRoutes. Retrieved October 26, 2007, from saferoutesinfo Web site: http://www.saferoutesinfo.org/task_force/task_force_members.cfm